gesticulate wildly, kiedis style.

after a good laugh?

then read "scar tissue", the anthony kiedis ( from the red hot chilli peppers) autobiography. its kind of in the vein of "sex n thugs n rock n roll" and "most people i know", the billy thorpe auto bios. by this i mean, "scar tissue" is, in short, a homage to all of the great roots old anthony has had, all over the world. some samples;

in hawaii,

" there was a knock at the door. i went to answer, and it was this young hawaiian maiden.

' can i come in?' she asked

... right there, in the hallway of this hotel, she dropped to her knees and gave me a blow job"

and of another fair maiden, this time in new york;

" she rocked me in a way i hadnt thought was possible by a person of her age- seventeen. there was some very adult behaviour taking place, and i remember going, "wow! what fucking porno has this girl been watching?"

and in seattle,

"we flew in to seattle and after paying our respects to kurt, once again, sex was on the menu. love, on the other hand, was on the specials board: often perused but never partaken in*...

halfway through the show, Christina had a couple of arena beers and got horny and decided she wanted to give me a blow job. So we wandered back stage. most of the doors were locked, but i found one which was open. it was below the stage and opened on to the electrical control room for the whole arena. there were all these levers and switches and buttons. so we got on the floor, took off all our clothes and started having sex..some where along the way we got too frisky and banged into a lever, and all of a sudden, the lights went out. i jumped up and rushed over to the board, convinced that we had cut the lights to the entire arena. i frantically pushed a lever and the lights came back on. i realised we had cut the power only to that room, but we were one lever away from bringing the concert to a grinding halt from having sex beneath the stage."

these are just a few exerts from the memoirs of a truely unparalleled muscician. a man whos sexual prowess and sheer virilty could have inadvertently brought an entire stadium to its knees. if only we could harness that energy, we could bottle it and sell it as an alternative fuel source. anthony kiedis could be an antidote to the fossil fuel crisis.

so anthony, we salute you, and we appreciate your book. sure, its lewd and there aint much in there about music, but thanks.

mr kiedis would describe his book differently, of course, and im sure, if you were to meet him in person, his description would be accompanied by a lot of gesticultion. wild gesticulation.

other dissapointing muscician' s auto bios:

"Miles" by miles davis with quincy troupe.

sample line:

" man he was a motherfucker, what a motherfucker of a nigger, he was slicker than a broke dick dog, that bad motherfucker"

nuff said i reckon.

'til next time.

* i actually made this up myself. i thought it was funny and appropriate... and a little bit naughty, kiedis style!

open the door! Its too funky in here!

i enjoy a red wine.

i like an aged cab sav, to be precise: the fuller the body, the better.

and give me a brunello from montalcino in tuscany any day of the week.

loving a good wine is not something i actively sought out. i just seem to have constantly run into wine lovers on my travels;

when i was in adelaide a couple of years ago i meet a latvian, completely at random, who took me on two separate trips, firstly, to the barossa and then to the clare. on two separate days. she drove. she didnt drink. she simply drove me to all of the best wineries and i drank wine. all day. both days. then we made love in an oak barrel. just jokes.

when i was in italy this year i met a wine merchant in rome. he' s a friend of a friend . he sells wine in a little shop there. it' s the law in rome that if you want to sell wine in a shop you have to sell books as well, so he pays lip service to the law by having all these vintage books lining the walls of his little shop. needless to say, he doesnt sell as many books as he does bottles of wine.

this chap, Gabriello Grandoni, took me to tuscany on a wine recon. he took me to all the wineries which supply him. I drank wine. he drove and he drank wine. we ate wild boar. i was given free bottles of wine. i was stoked. then we made love in an olive grove. just jokes.

when i was in perth this year i met a soprano who loves her wine. she took me to the swan valley and i drank wine. she also drank wine. she drove me to margaret river and we drank wine there as well. then we made love on a hay stack. hmmm. ill let you be the judge of the likelyhood of that.

fuck wine tasting is pleasant. and civilised. so fucking civilised, especially when there' s cheese.

i dont have a cellar and i dont profess to know anything about wine but whenever i pass a vineyard on the way somewhere i will invariably stop in and have a taste and, more often than not, make a purchase or two.

now back to the point i was trying to make.

i dont understand how the opinion of one particular person, namely james halliday*, can influence a nation of wine drinkers. i mean, sure, he's probably "done a course" and hes been sinking piss 'n' vino since time immemorial but taste is taste. one person' s opinon is merely one person' s opinion. is his palate so much more refined than the ordinary human being? was he born with super sensory tastebuds? is it a gift? like a sixth sense or x-ray vision? that enables him to be able to taste a wine and sum up its properties with words like:

"clean, floral spice... good drive and finish"

or

"glowing yellow- green; cool-grown style with a gently toasty entry, then stone fruit, cashew and grapefruit; long lingering finish" ( i reckon he was pissed when he wrote that)...

or

" subtly complex amalgam..malolactic ferment inputs on melon fruit; understated but satisfying"

I mean, come on! spare us all! just drink the shit!

moreover, you go into any wine merchants these days and everywhere you look there are little signs saying james halliday thinks this... james halliday thinks that... three bags full fucking james halliday.

but i digress.

now james halliday described a wine which i bought in the swan valley as "funky". its a mixture of cabernets. its spicy, sure, and full bodied enough... but funky??? what does he mean? does he mean, like, james brown- funkaaaaayyyyy... Like - Poppas got a brand new bag fuuuuuuunkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy, like, open the door! its too funky in here! like ha! good lord! i feel nice! like sugar and spice? Get on the good foot!

I drank it. it had an interesting and unique flavour. i bought it. end of story.

then they wrapped a cape around the bottle and helped it off the stage, like the godfather of soul himself: this, truely, was the funkiest of wines. HA! Good lard!

get your hand off it halliday.

*" james halliday, australias most respected wine critic and wine writer, has written or contributed to over 50 books on wine. he is the founder of coldstream hills in victoias yarra valley, and before that of brokenwood in the hunter valley. a regular judge at wine shows both locally and overseas, james halliday is an unmatched authority on the australian wine industry." these are all quotes from his book, the 2006 australian wine companion.

tea and sympathy for the devil.

bernard fanning:

nice guy.

not so sure about the music, though:

"my dagginess*/ slowly creeping back"

and his latest offering, a solo album called "tea and sympathy"?

...mmm...Ho hum...

it' s so often the case, though, isnt it?

the nice guys are the crap artists.

how often is it that you hear about how such and such and so 'n' so ( who' s music you loved, or writing you admired, or acting you were in awe of, or what ever) was, or is, an asshole.

john lennon for example. Cynthia lennon details in "John" how he famously espoused the ideals of peace and love but was unable to love his family and was a terrible father and husband. A genius nonetheless.

maybe im being a bit harsh on old bernie. He's not crap. he's just a bit mediocre. thats ok. Australians love mediocrity. We hold it in the highest regard.

take, for example, rove mcmanus. hes not that funny. hes not that clever. hes charming in a completely inoffensive way and his show is kinda safe and unimaginative.

but ya mum loves him, cause he' s nice, cause he nice and he' s normal and he' s, well, average;

cause he mowed ya lawn, cause he cleaned out ya drains...and all for a modest fee...

cause he' s that boy from next door who was just... there. he' s still just... there. only now hes just... there on our tv screens... every tuesday... but who' s watching?

good question.

there are countless other examples of bad guys who are, or where, great artists;

jerry lewis (asshole)... loved by the french.

francis Bacon (asshole)... also loved by the french.

Patrick white (incurable asshole)

abbot and costello (assholes)

our russ (complete asshole) and completely lacking in the kind of light, self effacing, charm required to pull off the phone gag he attempted at the AFI awards the other night.

moreover, If the phone incident in new york was a one off we would have laughed and forgiven him his faux pas.

however, he has long been a bully and has a mammoth and esteemed record of pulling petty , violent stunts. he' s also started a lot of fights which he, curiously, never seems to win.

great artist though.

oh, hang on,

30 odd foot of grunt

fuck. there goes my theory.

* for all those unaustralian this is a bastardisation of a "Powderfinger"
(Bernard' s day band) lyric which goes: "My happiness/ slowly creeping back".

what the dickens?

A blog entry about another blog:

Dear locket at house with no steps,

you sound really clever. i love the way you write. you are very funny. you say that you are an actress. i would like to see you on stage. i bet that you are good. i bet you are a smart actor. i like smart actors. i hate stupid actors.

i bet you are good with props. well, you are good with a vernon*, it seems.

you also say really horrible things about male actors. do you really think that thay are all empty and vacuous and liars and shits and cunts?

why?

have you had bad romantic experiences with them?

you are probably right. i wouldnt know. the world of the unemployed actor fascinates me. not that im saying that you are an unemployed actor. im just saying that most actors have experienced unemployment at some point. many actors seem to blog. is this because they have alot of free time because they aren't working as actors?

also it seems that actors are nothing without an audience. they seem to need audiences, almost pathalogically. keeping a blog is like keeping a diary for everyone to see.

of course actors dont nescessarily need an audience. they just prefer it.

but thats ok. i love actors. actors are givers. they know how to live life. they are often interesting, intelligent, and very well read. they are also funny most of the time. and hot (her her).

you are also from perth. I just recently spent time in perth and i loved it! the people in perth are the nicest people of any city in Australia. they show you around. they drive you every where. they take you to the best places. i saw many great bands. its really creative and interesting.

* vernon is police slang for dildo. a friend of mine who works for the federal police tells me that when they do raids on houses they will always find vernons (yes, more than one) and porn. with the vernons they find they have vernon races.